


After Midnight

by corvidae9



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Gen, frist person crack, fx gremlins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-04-04
Updated: 2007-04-04
Packaged: 2020-06-03 13:11:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19464694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corvidae9/pseuds/corvidae9
Summary: Jensen and Jared feed the FX guys after midnight and all hell breaks loose. Fortunately, some of the veterans have seen this before.





	After Midnight

**Author's Note:**

> Ok. I know that says RPF. And I KNOW that I don't generally write, read, enjoy or condone it, but I couldn't resist this after merrycontrary read to me the J2 commentary on the FX guys on SPN. Totally gen, totally cracktastic. Also, Kelly and Josh are completely imaginary and since I don't stalk J2 as thoroughly as people should who write RPF, I don't plan to do it again, and I don't want to hear about how I've got it all wrong. Driver picks the OCs, shotgun shuts his cakehole. Capice?

###

Some of the weirdest shit happened to us today. I know no one's gonna believe me-- I mean, someone's going to point out that I work on a show that's about weird shit and maybe we've been partying too hard or working too hard or all of the above. That's ok. That's exactly what Ackles said right before he grabbed the bottle of Vicodin I had left over from the Wrist Incident, downed more than the recommended dosage with a huge swig of Jack and then crashed out on the couch in my trailer in a fetal position, collar of his shirt still hanging from a thin thread and said, "Type less, loud, J."

He was pretending to be asleep by the time I called him on being an assface. And wrestled back my damn Vicodin.

Hold on, hold on. I have to go make sure that the crates we piled in front of the door are holding and yelling at Kelly that we just aren't coming out until daylight. With more cursing than that, but you get the idea.

...ok. Back. Anyway. Lemme back up to the beginning.

It started with a trailer full of nerds.

Doesn't sound like it would be that much fun, I know. But sometimes me and Ackles have a couple of beers and go down there when we're bored.

Ok-- mostly, I supply him until he agrees that it'd be fun to go hang out with the nerds. And then we do.

Dude. Those guys are messed up. Fourteen fucking computer screens cannot be good for your mental health. Granted. We're fucking pretty, and hero worship isn't bad for anyone's ego, but damn. Twenty four hours a goddamn day: me and Ackles kicking someone's ass. Me, looking emo. Him, looking emo. Us looking emo. Some really hot girl looking emo. (Or almost naked-- that's ok too.) The Impala... looking emo. Honestly, it's only more than creepy if it's either our our Bareass Moments on 'still', and even then it's probably harmless.

Anyway. So we had a couple of beers and I said to this idiot, "Dude. Let's go down and try on the Chimaera heads from the next ep. You know those guys'll let us."

Ackles rolled his eyes at me, flicked his beercap in the vague direction of my head (guy has some shitty aim, I'll tell you. If he had to shoot for real on the show, we'd be fucked. Actually, if it comes to shooting these bastards _tonight_ , we're pretty much fucked anyway on account of all the guns we've got are _fake_ , but even if they weren't? Yeah. We'd be fucked.) and headed out with him leading the way as if it had been his idea. I'm pretty sure he was still wearing the Dean skin.

So we got to the FX trailer, which, I'll admit, I think is fucking awesome. Apart from _fourteen_ computer screens all flashing my face more often than not, they've got all sorts of cool shit lying around, and no matter what time of the day or night, there are always a handful of pale nerds sitting around and willing to show us the latest, greatest piece of nerdage they're working on.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not an elitist bastard. I'm referring to these guys the way they prefer to be referred to. Last time we went down there, one fool was actually wearing a shirt that read 'pale nerds kick ass'. Hey man, who am I to judge?

Anyway, so we get down there and though I could swear that the clock in my trailer said that it was just before midnight when we left, there were more than the usual complement of geeks for that time of night gathered around the big bank of screens in the middle. Like a pack of light-starved meerkats, they all looked up when Ackles opened the door. I snorted a laugh and shoved him through, letting the door slam shut behind me as I called out, "Hey guys. What's new in the dungeon?"

There was a freaky sort of chorus of 'hey' as we did, and I could see Ackles' head come back as he shot me a sideways look. That paranoid, 'what the fuck' look that he sometimes gets right before he shoves _my_ ass out into a crowd of screaming fangirls and says, "You first, man."

I shot him a look that pretty much said, "Whatever. Jesus. It's just the FX guys." (Shut up. I _know_ we spend too much time together, alright? There aren't many people I can _look at_ in complete sentences.)

Fool mumbled, "Fuck you," under his breath as he moved forward with a nod for the nerds, but obviously, I followed. It'd been my idea after all. (Though after what happened, I'm gonna see if I can't convince Ackles otherwise.)

So we get up to the bank of monitors and the guys are animating these scary-looking little toothy bastards that kind of looked like something I'd seen in a movie as a kid, and I bumped the nearest guy with an elbow and said, "The hell is that, man?"

In retrospect, yeah. They were acting a little weirder than usual. Sure sometimes I catch one or two looking a little too hard or too wide-eyed, and sure, sometimes when my attention's diverted by something new and unnatural, a stray hand finds its way to my ass, but whatever. We let makeup girls get away with a lot more than that.

Anyway. They all sort of looked at Josh, the lead guy with the fauxhawk, and then up again at me. "Uh. Yeah," he said, and added a smile as though he was just then remembering to do so. "They sent us some advance specs for the season finale and we were screwing around with some ideas."

There was a general, synchronized murmur of, "Advances specs, yeah," and Josh cocked his head at the nearest kid to him.

"Hey. Why don't you show them the Chimaera props?"

The kid, who was new enough that I'd spaced his name, popped to his feet and all but scrambled over to the corner, reached into a huge, black plastic bin and pulled out an ugly fucking thing that Dean and Sam would be dispatching in just two episodes' time.

"Wicked," I said elbowing Ackles with a stupid happy and possibly slightly intoxicated grin as I made my way over. I took hold of it and popped it over my head (after I checked it for protruding sharp edges) and held my hands out all Frankenstein-style, growling and generally being an idiot, which never fails to amuse me. Ackles slapped at my hands as the guys laughed, and I could hear the kid handing him something too. Under the edge of the mask, I could see him slipping on these nasty claw-gloves, and then it was my turn again to laugh my ass off as he took a swing at me.

Now, at the time, it didn't seem weird, because those guys eat like horses (which if nothing else, should have been a little weird since only a couple of them actually _looked_ like horses, and none of them _ever_ use the gym, far as I know) and-- hold on.

...

Alright. Had to go prop the door again. I don't care if Kelly says they've got a plan. It's either Marines or daylight, and even Marines might not make much of a difference right now. Kim said light'll fix it and he fucking looked like he knew what he was doing, and I've been watching horror movies for background research long enough to know: if someone fucking looks like they know what they're doing, and no one dies under their supervision? They fucking _know_ what they're doing.

Besides. That fucker worked on X-Files.

Anyway.

Speaking of fuckers, I can't believe that Ackles is _asleep_.

_Anyway_. So these guys are grumbling about how craft services already said they're closed for the night and we're on location too far out of town to get pizza delivery, and me, of course, I popped off the chimaera head and foolishly offered Kelly's services for the run. Ackles looked at me like I was completely nuts, but hey, that's not new and Kelly was. I knew she was still awake, and though it sort of makes me a dick to say, it was her turn as the new kid to make a pizza run. New like the babe of the ep; as in, she'd only been in for a week covering for our usual girl, who had fallen on site not a week earlier and was in a cast and off her feet for no less than another month. (As we were running back to the trailer tonight, Ackles pointed out oh-so-fucking helpfully that she'd fallen down the steps to the FX trailer, but fat fucking lot of good that did to remember _then_ , right?)

Ackles was still looking at me like I was crazy, then he tapped his wrist. Right-- there was some rule about bringing the FX guys food after midnight. Stupid, but it was in the contract, so I looked at my own watch, only to find that it was stopped around six o'clock. It didn't make any sense, so I grabbed at Ackles' wrist to take a look at _his_ watch... and he wasn't wearing one.

One more wordless what-the-fuck exchange and then Ackles grumbled, "Couldn't find it," then cocked his head at the clock over the wall.

Weird. It said 10:45. So we called Kelly and sent her on her way. And asked for a couple of cases of beer to go with all the pizza while we were at it.

What? She was new. Apparently, she didn't know any better either, and we were planning on sharing.

About forty-five minutes later, she showed up with a pile of pizza and a couple of the guys helped her bring in the beer. I'll admit it, I flashed dimples at her as I handed her two beers and sent her on her way. It's fun and easy, and they're so cute when they light up like that, even when I'm wearing a monster hat and playing with a fake machete.

So I sat on a high counter across from Ackles and aimed a kick at his ass as he tried to do the same but with a more effort, all but snorting beer out of my nose as he stole a line from the show and muttered something really stupid about my being being freakishly tall. Once settled with a pizza to ourselves, we managed to get involved in an in-depth conversation on... fuck. I don't even know anymore. Something character-related, I know that. But y'know-- Beer. Pizza. We weren't paying attention to the guys anymore until it got _way_ too quiet.

It's gonna sound stupid, I know. But suddenly I felt like... ok. It does sound stupid. But I felt like Sam when my head popped up and the whole damn trailer had gone quiet and the guys were nowhere in sight. Ackles dropped to the ground on crazy quiet feet and I almost wanted to laugh when he held a finger to his lips and mouthed, 'shhh'. And then shit got _really_ weird. There was a wet, crackling sound from the other end of the trailer near the lit bank of monitors they'd all been standing near, and we both started sidling for the door, because, again? Been doing this for too long. Something fucking sounds like it's crawling out of its skin? Chances are, if it is, you don't want to know. Your dumb ass better be running before you have the chance to find out.

Even if lights suddenly go out. Like they did just then.

Now, we knew the way out, and you best believe I was grabbing onto the back of Ackles' shirt, because no fucking way I was being left behind. Unfortunately, there was more wet crackling between us and the door, and when Ackles nearly fell on his ass (meaning, he fell on me and I hauled him back on his feet), I could tell the look on my face had to be mirroring his, when we both looked down and saw... well. What I can only describe as something that looked like some sort of _pod_ in the backlight of the emergency lights over the door (which is how we knew which way was out).

My voice was embarrassingly high and near to breaking as I asked, "We doing a pod people episode sometime soon, dude?" even though we both knew we weren't. He grabbed the front of my shirt and hauled as he hopped over it.

"No. Gotta get gone, man," he said as he kept moving, and I had no choice but to follow, even though the last thing I wanted to do was step over it. With good reason, as it turned out. Just as I stepped over it, the fucking thing cracked open, yellow, vaguely-glowing goo spilling out onto the floor.

That wasn't the first thing I noticed, though. First thing I noticed was a chunky sort of female arm reaching through the crack in the _thing_ and latching onto my ankle with a grip that swear to god belongs to nothing earthly, accompanied by an ear-splitting squeal of, "Oh my god! It's Jaaaaared!!!"

Holy. Shit. Fangirl.

Fangirl _s_ from the sound of responding squeals from around the room.

And not the polite, wait-'till-we're-done-eating-and-quietly-ask-for-a-hug-and-an-autograph sort of fangirl. The kind that rush us when one or both of us are clearly hungover and barely coherent, cling to arm, leg, neck or any other available appendage, declare their undying love and then want to know if we're secretly fucking. (For the record, we're _not_ , but if we were, I wouldn't tell you.)

Anyway, I aimed a kick at the emerging monster, vicious enough to dislodge her hand and trying to ignore the heartbroken cry that accompanied the retreating hand. I couldn't tear my eyes off of the thing that came out of the pod, though-- I just had to let Ackles pull me along as she (it?) emerged, goo dripping from its wide hips and 'I heart J2' shirt and pulled its feet free, all the while blowing kisses and making grabby hands in my direction.

It was fucking terrifying, let me tell you. Worse when Ackles stopped in his tracks and muttered, "Oh. Fuck me."

I finally did look away from the thing behind us, only to find three gooey girls blocking the trailer door, at least five more popping up from under desks and lurching toward us.

Yeah, that would be about when I discovered that I have no problem hitting things that only _look_ like girls. After the first one tried to sink her teeth into Ackles' bicep (which, let's be honest, is usually the first place anyone thinks to want to sink their teeth into the guy), and he shoved her into the one behind, I had no problem punching the thing that had managed to get her hands on my ass. I doubted pod people could navigate the court system successfully enough to pursue a battery lawsuit, even if they'd been in California. But we weren't, so were probably safe. Besides, if we'd violated our contracts by feeding the FX guys after midnight, there wouldn't be any money to sue for, at any rate, so, well. Fuck it.

Two more fangirls shoved over a bench worktable and grabbed whatever handfuls of clothes they could reach. Ackles threw another wicked hook and we managed to kick open the door, run out, and you know what? For the last time-- horror movies? Pay. Off. Pay attention. I locked the door from the outside while Ackles yelled, "Get back!" and shoved a lighting rig over in front of the door.

And then? We ran like hell back here. On the way, I'll admit-- I panic-dialed Kelly and told her to fucking well call Marines or something. Five minutes later, Kim was on the line, grilling us as to how exactly they'd gotten the food and telling us to stay put until daylight. He swore about the broken clocks being the oldest trick in the book and I um...yeah. Pitched the phone at the wall out of sheer fucking frustration. I don't know why. That would be why we're reduced to Kelly shouting through the trailer door. Not like I'm gonna fucking open it.

Even now, when she's calling through about it almost being light out and how they're going to get craft services to open early just to get us some wanna-be Starbucks.

###

So, I shook Ackles awake, because yeah - last four hours? That little shit's been snoring, mouth open in a depressant-induced stupor while I was busy typing and trying not to panic. He rolled over and had the decency to look a little paranoid as Kelly's voice wafted through the door again.

Apparently, it was 'all going over in just a little while' and I almost felt bad as she apologized again for whatever hand she had in the debacle, even as I wondered just how Kim 'knew what he was doing because he'd been through this before'.

That bastard is fucking scary good at reading me. He smacked my shoulder as he shambled to the tiny restroom and muttered, "X-Files."

I got brave and lifted the corner of the shades and peered out. The area around the FX trailer was cordoned off and there was a group of the biggest, scariest most-tattooed crew members holding what looked like cattle prods, while a big-ass truck was now parked next to it.

Ackles' voice from over my shoulder startled me. Alright, I fucking jumped out of my skin, and all he did was snort and drop a hand on my shoulder, ignoring my dirty look as he hunkered down next to me and said, "What'd I miss?"

...Anyway. I managed to not tell him to go to hell. Mostly because at that point, I could swear I could hear the crazed fangirls in the trailer still squealing. The door buckled, the cattle-prod-wielding roadies jumped back from the door, and the figure that could only be Kim signaled to the truck driver. I knew I wasn't imagining the screams though as the truck pulled away and took the roof to the FX trailer with it, nor the subsequent unmistakable attendant carnage of multiple explosions from within. A scorched hand came up over the side of the wall, but it was cattle-prodded promptly, combusted into flames and fell back into the erstwhile FX trailer.

"Wow," breathed Ackles. "That was-- _holy shit!_ "

We both jumped back as a distinctly female face popped up directly in front of the pane of glass we were peering out of.

Female, as in, Kelly. Holding up two cups of coffee and calling in, "It's all over now! I have your coffee!"

Female, as in, the "Fuck that," that I couldn't help but say with a scowl, as Ackles dropped the blinds on her overly-cheerful face.

"Keep it," he called out, and handed me the bottle of Jack. Hell, they weren't going to need us anytime soon. It'd be at least a day of lost production while everyone _else_ ran around trying to commandeer FX guys from Smallville, or Stargate or some shit.

Yeah, I'd say we were taken care of.

###


End file.
